confessions

IMG_9253 Happy New Year!  I'm up early this new morning and year.  It feels good.  I just decided to erase the very lengthy and draining essay I was going to post about something difficult going in my little world.

Let me try this again but a bit more upbeat.

My stomach drama is back.  Full force like before.  I know this whole process like the back of my hand.  It grows and grows in intensity and I become more blue and hopeless.  The hardest part for me is that it is with me 24 hours a day.  I miss the old me--the excited me-- that makes plans, works for what makes me and my family happy.  From years past, I know the stomach pain comes, steals a few months from me, then leaves, leaving the mystery of it all still unanswered.

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I'm in phase two--the more desperate phase--and actively seeking any clues or answers to fight this.  My current approach is removing all refined flours and sugars from my diet. Because my sickness comes and goes, I'm wondering if whatever my body simply tolerates most of the time is sometimes triggered by something like stress, and then my stomach becomes a mess.  (I thankfully have gotten some incredible advice from a friend that practices more holistic medicine.  I call her when I have hopeless nights.)

Distractions are really good for me right now.  I feel safer when I'm not left to my own thoughts.  And so I'm determined to still live my life as if there is no inner turmoil.  I fail a lot, especially as the day goes on.  Bobby has been wonderful at giving me perspective when all I feel is darkness.

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It is unbelievable how much positive thinking contributes to my well being these days.  It is incredibly hard sometimes, but I believe in it.  I need it for my little daughters.  I'm grateful for my mornings that start so much better than my nights end.  These rough seasons over the years always make me incredibly in tune with my body and spirit.  I listen more to what I need.

I have become stronger and stronger emotionally.  I know, historically, it will have an end.  I will live my life again not thinking about how debilitating my stomach makes life.  I'll go and do as I please with great energy and enthusiasm.  But for now, faking it is the best medicine to pass the time.

the sleepy time gal